Thou Shalt Not Swear
by WolfButler
Summary: Artemis discovers a gap in his knowledge and sets out to fill it... everyone else is determined to stop him. The Butler's have a little adventure too...and all of this brings about some interesting consequences.Go on read it... you know you're intrigued!


**Another little snapshot of what Butler had to put up with when Artemis was younger. It also involves some other Butlers, The Major, Juliet and a tiny bit of Rob and Tom my OCs who are Butler and Juliet's brothers (so The Major's nephews.). I only own my own ideas and characters like Rob, Tom and I also own the Gas Trolley (don't ask, all will be revealed)!! Eoin Colfer owns the rest!!**

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-_**Thou shalt not swear **_

Butler never swore. Well, at least not in front of Artemis. There were two reasons mainly. One: during his army days he had heard and used the words so often they had become quite meaningless. And Two: Mr. Fowl did not want his son to become a "foul mouthed ruffian" (Butler had almost said that it would be impossible for Artemis not to be "Fowl mouthed" but then his Uncle would have clipped him round the ear with enough force to knock out a small pony. So, as usual, he said nothing.)Anyway, Mr. Fowl ordered that anyone in contact with Artemis Junior would not swear in front of him or risk being fired (well, maybe not fired, but have their pay docked for a couple of months... years...centuries etc.). Needless to say, no body said any word stronger than "poo" in front of the young Fowl heir. Artemis I was very pleased with this. Artemis II was not.

Artemis Junior wanted to know _everything_. By the age of four he knew three new languages well enough to hold an intelligent conversation with a native of Germany, France or Spain. He loved to learn and got _very_ upset when someone said a word he didn't know. Sometimes, when he got on her nerves, Juliet would make up a random word just to watch him search his many dictionaries for it, which, incidentally, Artemis Senior had checked and censored for any rude language. Well actually, he had the Butlers check and censor Artemis's thirty seven dictionaries, eight encyclopaedias and three thesauruses for anything that could be classed as swearing or bad language. When young Artemis found out that there was a whole range of words that he had no knowledge of what so ever he set out to record the meanings, spellings , appropriate usage of and in what context to use each and every swear word. This seemed like a good plan. The only problem was, that thanks to Mr. Fowl's obsessive swear word removal scheme, Fowl Manor was officially a swear free zone. He had had every film, book, television programme, comic, toy and anything else Artemis Junior was likely to come into contact with screened, checked and double checked before he allowed his son anywhere near it. But little Artemis was an extremely determined boy and so, once he discovered this, he set out to fill the gap in his extensive knowledge.

"Butler!!"screamed Artemis. The manservant was there in an instance, bursting into the room, gun drawn, at the ready. Artemis sat in front of him surrounded by... well... to be honest... surrounded by nothing out of the ordinary or even remotely dangerous. Butler eyed the squeaky Einstein toy Artemis had got from the museum they had visited the other day. Nope. Not scary. Not about to, as the screaming would have suggested, explode. After a while of staring around the room for anything that could have made his charge shout like that, Butler spoke.  
"What is it Artemis?"  
"I can't reach the remote controller for the television."  
"Is that all?" Butler said, trying to hide the exasperation in his voice and picking up the remote control off the coffee table, which, had he gotten up from the chair, the boy would have been able to reach perfectly fine.  
"Yes." said Artemis holding out his hand for the controller. A noise like a stampeding elephant came from the hallway and master and servant swung round.  
"For heavens sake, young sir!!" The Major said as he entered the room to find all to be fine, a minuet behind the younger Butler because he was older and had been in the kitchen when Artemis had screamed. "Whatever's the matter with you?"  
"Nothing" Artemis said happily.  
"Well that's OK then!!" The Major said with sarcasm that didn't quite reach Artemis. He took a deep breath and regained his cool slightly. "Just don't scream like that, OK? There was no need to give me a bl... to give me a heart attack was there?" The Major caught himself just in time.  
"Sorry, Major." Artemis said smiling his "angel smile" as his mother called it. Inside he was fuming. He had been _this_ close to making one of the Butler's tell him a new word. _This_ close. He sighed and went upstairs to his room, leaving Butler holding the TV remote and shaking his head.

Artemis stormed upstairs. They had foiled his plans again!! He was so frustrated he could swear. But that was the problem!! He couldn't. He didn't know any swear words.  
"What's up Artemis?" Juliet said in a sing-song voice, poking her head around her bedroom door to watch the angry five year old charge down the corridor.  
"I don't know something." Artemis said. That's terrible grammar, he added to himself.  
"What don't you know?" Juliet asked, intrigued despite herself. She blew a gigantic pink bubble, popping the gum as Artemis came back down the corridor to whisper to her.  
"I," he paused for effect, ignoring her open mouthed chewing, even though he despised it, "am trying to create a booklet on swear words. The only problem being, that I don't know any." Juliet giggled.  
"You don't _need_ to know any!!"  
"But I do!!" Artemis cried. "I want to know _everything_. Do you know any?" he added hopefully, his face lighting up again.  
"No." Juliet lied. She was only nine years old, but had had enough contact with her brothers to learn a few choice expletives. Artemis's face fell. "But I will tell you if I learn any." She promised just to cheer him up a bit. The boy grinned and ran off to his room. Juliet uncrossed her fingers from behind her back and went back to her own.

Artemis had a plan. (And he wasn't going to let Juliet in on it in case she told her family.) If he could give one of the Butlers a big surprise then they might just let slip a new word. The Major had seemed to be the most likely one to teach him as he had nearly let one out before (if you pardon the expression.). However, one week later Artemis still had nothing written in the little orange notebook he had christened "The Swear Word Book". He had tried jumping out at The Major from behind a suit of armour. He had dropped a tub of glitter on his head from the second floor landing. He had even popped a balloon behind The Major's chair while he was reading his newspaper. None of it worked. The budding genius decided that to draw less attention to his antics he would swap targets. Of course, he couldn't try to make his parents swear as they could ground him or take away his dictionaries for a week. Juliet wasn't much use either, especially if she _really_ didn't know any. That left Butler. Artemis was pretty sure that his own bodyguard would be even tougher to crack than his father's, but he had to try. His education was in the balance here!! He would have to plan even more outrageous scaring techniques.

Butler was searching the many the garden sheds on the grounds to fetch the hedge trimmers his Uncle had asked, well ordered actually, him to fetch. He opened the door to shed number thirteen and something launched out at him wielding the hedge trimmers he had been looking for. He nearly swore. Unfortunately for the cloaked and armed Artemis _nearly_ wasn't quite swearing. Butler realised the creature's height was around the same as his charge and remembered that his uncle had warned him that the boy was "up to something" today.  
"Artemis!! What in heavens name are you doing!?" Butler asked.  
"Pants!!" the boy shouted and ran off. Luckily he left the clippers so Butler didn't have to chase after him. Odd, thought the manservant, picking them up. What is he up to?

It wasn't long before the Butlers realised what was going on.  
"Once Artemis has his mind on something he won't give up." said Butler.  
"Hmm." The Major said, thinking.  
"We could make up words that don't mean anything, then use them like swear words and pretend they really are ones and say things like 'Oh no!! Don't ever say that Artemis!!' and then maybe he'll believe us." Juliet suggested.  
"It's a good idea, but if he says them in front of his father and gets no response, he would twig what was going on."  
"No. I think we carry on censoring ourselves as usual. And as I am in charge of you two, that is what we shall be doing." The Major said and marched out of the room to make dinner. The younger Butler siblings made faces at his receding back.  
"I thought it was a good idea." Butler said.  
"Yes. So did I." His sister said miserably.  
"Well then, in cases of emergences, I'll definitely use that tactic."  
"Me too." she said, cheering up.

The next day Butler was hoovering the main living-room carpets while Juliet did the dusting. They were singing along to the radio in their usual fashion... loudly and badly. Thankfully the noise from the vacuum cleaner masked most of it. Artemis crept into the room, crawling behind the sofa. He waited for the chorus (the loudest part) then tapped Juliet on the shoulder. She screamed, jumped and dropping the vase she had been dusting, luckily it hit the thick hearth rug so didn't smash.  
"For goodness sake Artemis!!" she screamed.  
"What!?" Butler shouted. Then he turned off the hoover. "What?" he asked again, quieter this time. For the second time in as many days his young charge ran off muttering furiously. Butler shook his head at Juliet.  
"Well, he failed again at his 'mission'. I haven't seen him that mad since he lost to his computer at chess." Butler said, wincing at the memory of the very expensive laptop ending up in the fountain after a short flying lesson from the boy's bedroom window.

The Butlers were going out. They never went out, but it was Tom, Butler and Juliet's brother and The Major's nephew's, 29th birthday party. Most of the Butler family would be there including Rob, another brother and Butler and Juliet's parents. The Fowls agreed as it was just one night and as long as they were back to work as usual the next day. A nanny was hired to watch Artemis for the night and was given the usual warning about swearing. ("I have not sworn in 56 years I'll have you know!!" the old women screeched, offended.). All three Fowl serving Butlers were looking forward to it but they were apprehensive too. The Major hadn't left his charge for his own means in years. Butler hadn't in the whole of Artemis's life. Still, it'd be a laugh, Butler reassured himself. It wasn't as if the nurse couldn't cope with one five year old for less than six or so hours. They left at seven, the party wasn't that far away, only about four miles to the pub it was being held at and they were taking the car anyway as The Major said he wouldn't be drinking.  
"We'll be back before one in the morning, sir." The Major had said, he had being going to say eleven, but knowing his nephews... "You won't hear us come in. _Will they_?" He added, with a fierce look at the other two.  
"Definitely not!!" they said obediently.

Five hours of partying, dancing and drinking later the three Butlers staggered home. Well, one of them did, supported by the other two.  
"I knew I shouldn't have had that extra pint." one of them said.  
"One!!" another exclaimed. "You had about _three_ to many!!"  
"Well, maybe. But it's not my fault Tom was playing the drinking game!!"  
"You should know better!!" she said, sounding like the grown up of the trio.  
"He said _he_ would drive!!" the other steadier said as the steadee heaved another quart of sick onto the country lane.  
"Try to stand up Uncle!!" Juliet said exasperatedly as the puke went all over her shoes... _again_. The Major muttered something about helicopters and collapsed onto the floor. Butler called his uncle few words that he would have been seriously smacked around the head for if his uncle had been remotely conscious and then said a few more words that Artemis would have been delighted to hear and report in his little orange book, had he not been three and a half miles away in bed at Fowl Manor. Butler dragged his Uncle upright and tried to prop him against a nearby tree.  
"This is _not_ working." He said. "Stay here. I've just had a good idea" Then he ran off back towards the party. Juliet groaned. Now she was stuck with her stupid uncle who had got stupidly drunk at her stupid brother's stupid party while her other not-quite-so stupidly-drunk-but-still-well-over-the-driving-limit stupid brother ran off to get some stupid thing to get her stupid drunken uncle home because they were all _stupid _and had drank to much stupid alcohol which her stupid uncle had said he wasn't going to drink any of in the first place!! Juliet decided that she wasn't going to drink alcohol if this was what happened when you did. She could drive perfectly well of course, but her brother wouldn't let her in case they got caught. "Mr. Fowl would be... well let's just say he would not be best pleased if we arrived home in a police car." Juliet grudgingly agreed. The resulting telling-off they would get if they did get caught would _not_ be very nice, to put it politely. She ranted mentally about the idiocy of her male relatives and males in general for a few minuets until her brother arrived back with some sort of gas bottle trolley.  
"Ta Da!!" he yelled triumphantly. Juliet knew he really was drunk then, when did her terrifying, murderous, beast of a brother say "ta da"? "Here we go." he continued over the clattering and squeaking of the wheels. "Good idea, eh?"  
"Oh no. No way Dom!! This is your worst idea ever." She said stepping further away from her _stupid _male kin as her brother tried to tie her uncle to the stand-up-two-wheeled-lean-back-and-push –along-contraption using some sort of bungee cord rope with hooks on both ends.  
"Nonsense!! We used to do this all the time if someone got smashed at the academy disco."  
"Yes but you were all teenagers then, not some fat old man" she said waving her arms to emphasise her point.  
"Hey!! I'm not old!! Or fat!!" Butler said, hurt by her comment.  
"I meant uncle, actually." She said sighing. "Come on then, let's try to get him back before everyone wakes up at home."

They did get home. Eventually. They fell in a ditch once when a milk lorry went past and the lane was too narrow. The wheels, designed for use on supermarket floors and not country lanes kept getting stuck on the gravelly surface. They reached Fowl Manor with about three hours to spare until sunrise. Butler rolled The Major into his room and left a bucket, bottle of water and a packet of paracetamol tablets with him. Juliet was so tired and her arms ached so bad from helping her brother push the gas bottle trolley that she could have fallen asleep on the spot. Instead Butler half dragged half carried her up to her room and tucked her into bed.  
"Thanks Jules, I never would have got him home myself."  
Juliet doubted this. Her brother could do anything. Still, it probably would have taken him two hours extra, she thought, smiling as she fell asleep.

Butler collapsed onto his bed, not bothering to get undressed. He drank two litres of water before he lay back, knowing that he would have one hell of a hangover in the morning if he didn't. Not as bad as his uncle though. That was going to take some explaining if the Fowl's found out. He balanced a glass full of water on his forehead. It was a trick he had learnt at Madame Ko's. Not from his sensei though. It was something he had learnt from the other students. If you put a glass of cold water on your forehead it cooled your head down and stopped you getting a killer headache. It usually worked too. He was just about to take the glass off his head and go to sleep when his door creaked open and a shadow crept in. Butler sat bolt upright catapulting the cup of water into the air, where it smashed against the far wall.  
"Shi... ugar!!" Butler converted the four lettered word into a not so bad five letter one that would not fulfil Artemis's requirements.  
"Bother!!" his young charge whisper-shouted.  
"Artemis!! What are you doing!? Why are you even up at this time?"  
Artemis sighed.  
"Come and sit down, then." Butler said, reaching to his bedside table and switching the light back on. Artemis perched on the end of the bed.  
"Why," Butler asked. "have you been acting so strangely lately, may I ask?"  
Artemis said nothing so Butler went to pick up the pieces of glass on the floor or he knew he would end up stepping on them in the morning. Later on in the morning.  
"Did we wake you?" Butler tried again.  
"No." Artemis said finally. "I waited up for you."  
It was Butler's turn to sigh now.  
"Artemis why on earth..."  
"I heard The Major telling Father you would be back by one and it's forty-seven minuets past three, which is thirteen minuets to four which is not one o'clock in the morning!!"  
"I know. I'm sorry. There were some... unexpected events."  
"Is that why you smell like alcohol and vomit?"  
"Well. Partly. Yes."  
"Have you been sick.""  
"No. But someone else was." No need for Artemis to know exactly who. "Why were you waiting up for us anyway?" Butler asked, changing the subject before Artemis could ask who was sick or how much alcohol he had drunk. He could guess why Artemis had been waiting to sneak up on them but wanted to hear it from the boy's own mouth.  
"I wanted to scare you so you would say a swear word and then I wouldn't have a subject I was ignorant on."  
Butler almost laughed. "Seriously Artemis, if it means so much to you I could tell you every swear word I know. But after a while you would get bored of them, like I have, and then you would know useless information that only takes up brain space which you could fill with much more complicated and useful things like erm... quantum physics for example." This was probably absolute rubbish, but Artemis didn't need to know _that_ either.  
"Are you saying I don't need to know them?"  
"Yes. There is no need for you to know any swear words until you are much, _much_ older."  
"How much older?"  
"At least sixteen." Butler said thinking about what Mr. Fowl would say. "Possibly even eighteen."  
Artemis smiled. Content now he believed his knowledge was as complete as it needed to be, for now at any rate.  
"Now can you please stop trying to scare them out of us all?" Butler asked. Artemis promised and went back to bed. Butler looked at his digital alarm clock. It was nearly four in the morning. Great, he thought. A full two and a half hours sleep, if he was lucky.

Three and a half hours later Butler woke up. He jumped up actually because he realised he had slept an hour later than he had planned to. Without waking anyone, even Juliet or Artemis's sharp ears, he pulled on a pair of trainers and jogged (pushing the trolley) the four miles that had taken them almost four hours last night in half an hour. He drove the car back careful not to do anything that might cause concern and a breathalyser test, as he was probably still over the limit from last night. Arriving home safe and sound he quickly set about making breakfast. Mr and Mrs Fowl came down at nine o'clock and immediately questioned the absence of The Major.  
"I had a look in the security room too, and there is some interesting footage on the tapes." Mr. Fowl continued ominously.  
Oh pants, thought Butler, or words to that effect. He had meant to wipe last night's shenanigans from the Manor's security camera tapes. Too make things worse The Major chose that exact moment to come downstairs.  
"Do you know anything about what the entrance hall cameras recorded last night Major?" Mr. Fowl asked. The Major went bright red and pulled a very peculiar face. Butler thought quickly. The Major had a lot of respect from the boss, but if he found out what condition his manservant had been in earlier that morning, his uncle would no doubt lose all of it in an instance. Oh well, thought Butler. Here goes nothing.  
"Yes erm... sorry about that, sir. Won't happen again, sir. I er... over indulged a bit on the alcohol, sir, and my uncle and sister had to get me home."  
"So it's you on the contraption is it Butler?"  
"Yes, sir." Butler said, bowing his head and trying to look ashamed.  
"Why on earth didn't you use the car?"  
"It erm... wouldn't start, sir."  
"And where is it now?"  
"I fetched it this morning, sir. A friend of mine gave it a jump start."  
"Right. Well. I am very disappointed in you, Butler. I think you should thank your family members greatly for there assistance."  
"Yes, sir. I'm very sorry for the trouble I've caused you, sir."  
" It's not me you should be apologising to Butler, it's your Uncle who had to put up with your antics. Thank goodness you were there Major. I dread to think what might have happened if..." Mr. Fowl shook his head. "Juliet is asleep I expect?"  
"Yes, sir. Should I wake her, sir?"  
"No, no. She will need her sleep after assisting your uncle last night. Now apologise to him at once!!"  
"Sorry Uncle."  
"Properly!!" Mr. Fowl ordered.  
"I am very sorry Uncle for my stupid and dangerous behaviour last night and I promise you it will never happen again." Butler said with a meaningful look at his uncle when he said the "stupid and dangerous" part.  
"Good. Now go and book the car into the garage. And then you can set about cleaning every vehicle we own. I shall be checking them myself and I wish to see them all waxed and polished by six o'clock this evening as punishment for you're rash and immature actions."  
"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir." Butler said and went to the phone. Before he pretended to phone the repair garage he quickly swapped the rest of the tapes. Luckily for his Uncle, the ones Mr. Fowl _had_ seen were ones where mostly the back of the person on the trolley's head could be seen, so it was almost impossible to tell the two men apart. Still no need for him to see them wheeling The Major into his own room, that would put a quite a hole in their story.

It was five thirty _pm_ as Butler finished waxing the bonnet of the last of the six Rolls Royces. He stepped back to admire his handiwork. Five Bentleys, three of them vintage, several other posh cars, a four-by-four, two limos, one black, one white, and the original Austin Martin used in one of the James Bond films stood gleaming in the setting sunlight. Luckily most of them never got driven so it had been a simple matter of polishing them up a bit. The two Bentleys that the Fowls often used needed a good clean though and the limo they had used last week got the works too. Butler was flicking a speck of almost not existent dirt of the bonnet he had just finished cleaning when a shadow fell across it. Butler whipped round. Usually no one could sneak up on him except for his...  
"Uncle?" Butler said, trying to disguise his startled jump by scratching the back of his neck.  
"Nephew." The Major said. "I want to thank you for what you did for me today."  
Butler shrugged and went back to cleaning the invisible spot on the paintwork.  
"Really. I am truly sorry for how last night ended up."  
Butler nodded, not turning round.  
"Seriously though. If you ever need a favour."  
Butler turned round.  
"You're welcome Uncle."  
"Someone must have spiked my drink, I swear I only had one shandy."  
Butler snorted. He seriously doubted this. Especially after he had seen how much liquid had been splattered all over the country lane which also happened to be the substance he now had to go and wash off Juliet's jeans and shoes.  
"If you ever need anything..." His uncle repeated.  
"It was nothing, honestly, one Butler to another."  
"Well, thank you anyway. You really saved my life this morning. Twice. Once when you brought me home and then again when you took the blame."  
"Don't worry about it Uncle, everyone has their bad days." Butler said starting to get exasperated with his uncle's extended apologies. What he really wanted to say was "OK I get it!! Just go away!!" but he didn't.  
"You really proved yourself today. Thank you."  
With that The Major went back inside leaving his nephew smiling at his elder's embarrassment. He would probably never use the favour. Having his Uncle in his debt was too priceless. Actually it wasn't really _priceless_. It would cost him a good sized dock off his salary for the next couple of months. His Uncle's face though, when Artemis Senior had asked him whether he knew anything about the video footage... It was worth it.

Artemis I and II came along to inspect the cars a few minuets later, Juliet tagging along behind them. The older Artemis was pleased with Butler's work and went back inside after checking the first three cars but Juliet and Artemis the younger stayed outside to help Butler clear up and reverse the cars back into their garages. Well Juliet did, Artemis just watched. Then all three went back inside, with absolutely no threat of someone attacking them to make them swear, no drunken uncles to contend with and no troubles to speak of. For the time being, that is.

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**Just another story I wrote about little Artemis and what Butler had to cope with while his young charge was growing up!! **

**Hope you liked it!! :D**


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